Yes, time easses the pain. At least I don’t cry anymore talking about my failed six year relationship. It’s been longer than that since it ended with an e-mail.
I understand it a lot more now than I did when she quit us. And I clearly see my bad behavior and bad choices. I understand now why she was so unhappy while I was stubbornly blind to it all.
It still hurts though, because I know I could have made better choices and didn’t. The little things she asked of me to which I often said “no”. The petty resentments I harbored and my taking her presrence for granted, like it would always be there.
It still hurts because I so badly want to apologize face to face and make amends but she only remembers the bad parts and refuses all contact.
We both were unwanted only children raised by single mothers and victims of childhood trauma. That fact alone contributed greatly to the failure of our relationship.
But as to deserving better, what if there is no “better” out there? Or if there is, the odds of our meeting and having mutual chemistry are minuscule.
If I were asked to make a list of what qualities and talents I wanted in a partner, I’d end up describing all of her unique combination of characteristics and all the myriad ways we were compatible.
No, she wasn’t perfect. Her childhood trauma made her self protective, a bit narcissistic, and lacking in empathy.
But all the rest? It is truly like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Lighting never strikes twice in the exact same shape and place.
Every snowflake that has ever existed is unique and different from every other one.
Billions of people and our finger and eye prints are all different and unique.
Where do I find a thin, stylish, curious, romantic, present, significantly younger, tri-lingual, intelligent, intuitive, self-employed, creative, foodie?
Someone who loves cooking, wine, travel, jazz, photography, film, nature, hiking, art, architecture, design, fashion, marketing, public libraries, convertible cars, road bicycles and can do interior decorating, flower arranging, travel and event planning like a pro?
Who isn’t a fan of professional sports and who thinks camping is staying at a Holiday Inn?
And is in love with me?
Nope. I had my shot. Fate, luck, serendipity, maybe God, brought us together. And I squandered the greatest gift I ever received.
Time may ease the pain, but sadness stays forever.