Oh, God Cheney. At least there is one other person in the world who feels the way I do.

It has been 9 years since she broke up with me via e-mail. We were together for 6. Lived together for 5.

I am addicted to my ex. She lives 8,000 miles away but I know her address. Maybe I should send her some of her favorite white lillies without a card?

Note to self: You are not supposed to know her address. It will only upset her to know you know where she lives.

How manty times have I fantasized about hopping a plane and ringing her doorbell, thinking all has been forgiven and she’d be happy to see me after all these years.?

Note to self: She wouldn’t be happy. She’d be angry. Boundaries and all. She told me 9 years ago to forget her and never contact her again.

But did she mean it? Does that really mean never? Maybe she was just really angry at the time? Maybe she hasn’t met anyone either? Or maybe she met a much better man and married him?

The thought of dying and never saying goodbye and I’m sorry eats away at my soul.

Note to self: She has an amazing life because you are not in it. Forget she exists. She is just someone you used to know.

The days we were together were the happiest time of my entire life. Mostly. I adored her. I hurt her. She hurt me too.

We were only having sex twice a month and she didn’t do intimacy well. I was hurt, resentful, lonely. Yet going grocery shopping together is one of my fondest memories. I miss her.

Note to self: She doesn’t miss you. At all. She knows where to find you. And she hasn’t tried.

I suspect she has strong narcissistic tendencies. Or maybe she just hated me? Or maybe I didn’t try hard enough? Or maybe I could get it right this time?

Note to self: You cannot get it right. There is no “this time”. It all lives in your head. It is just a fantasy. She never thinks about you anymore. Get a life.

It is all so confusing but I know we are soulmates and we should be together. Shouldn’t I fight for the one I love?

I just have yet to find anyone who can take her place or if I think they could, they’re not interested in finding out.

Note to self: Go play Bonnie Raitt’s song “I Can’t Make You Love Me (If You Won’t). On repeat. 100 times. “I Put Your Picture Away” is just a nice song about someone else’s unreal life. Better to listen to Marty Balin sing “Hearts” and have a good cry.

I am too old for this. Love is for other people. Not for me.

Note to self: The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

“Is everything alright?

I just called to say

How lost I feel without you

Miles away I really can’t believe I’m here

And how I still care about you…”