I really enjoyed this essay. Very thought provoking and totally applicable to my life.

But I don’t think I agree with your “dump the asshole” after 6 years conclusion.

I speak from being that asshole. Not yours of course, someone else’s. Yes, I knew her favorite color was white, her favorite flower was the lily, she claimed to like cross country skiing but was never actually willing to take a few lessons and learn to turn and stop. She loved red wine and candles, couldn’t eat if any one of the kitchen cupboards were open, loved cashmere and designer shoes. And could make me laugh. Her idiosyncrasies were adorable to me.

So, I knew her pretty well, loved her, took care of her financially, but there were times I was an asshole. I can admit it now. But it is beyond too late.

One time, I got drunk and kissed my friends much younger stripper girlfriend while he gleefully took photos using my phone. This happened in our house on my girlfriend’s birthday, while she was traveling back east. Everyone was fully clothed. I was flattered that someone 30 years younger would kiss me just because her boyfriend told her to do so. It was over in a minute.

Hey, she was much hotter than my girlfriend, but uneducated and had three kids out of wedlock fathered by three different men. Drove a Cadillac SUV. Nice sexy girl, but I would have been bored after a week. We had zero in common.

I never told my girlfriend about that single minute out of my private life. And yet I had a monogamous commitment to my girlfriend. I knew what I did was wrong, and yet I never erased the pictures off my phone. And I never confessed.

In hindsight, it was clear I wanted her to find the pictures. And she did. I wanted her to see that if she didn’t want me, at least someone else did. But that was a total delusional fantasy. My friend’s girlfriend didn’t want me, she wanted him. And I certainly didn’t want her no matter how hot she was.

After finding the pictures, my girlfriend never said a word about them for two months. But that was the beginning of the end of “us”.

You see, my girlfriend was hardly ever “in the mood” and certainly never in the morning. I pointed out the imbalance in our desire. She denied it mostly.

The result was I was feeling very unloved. One of my Love Languages is physical touch and I wasn’t receiving anywhere near as much as I would prefer. And I was resentful and angry and never really fully aware of how I felt.

My business was also going badly due to one monstrously bad decision. So both our personal and financial lives were a total disaster.

So I acted like an asshole. I’ve heard women say “All men are assholes”. I don’t know if that is true, but there were clearly some times I was. But I still loved her and never contemplated breaking up.

I did a few other asshole things I regret that hurt my girlfriend or had some rather negative consequences. Nothing so damaging as an affair, but none the less my girlfriend lost respect and trust plus the knowledge that I could and would protect her and keep her safe. And so she eventually left me.

She ended things via e-mail. I was heartbroken but not ready yet to take responsibility for being an asshole to my now ex-girlfriend.

But my ex never once asked me why I did what I did. Never told me how much it hurt her. Never even told me she was contemplating leaving the relationship.

I never got to explain that deep down, I was afraid I was losing her and scared of being alone. So of course, I made sure I did lose her by pushing her away. I was subconsciously testing her of course. Didn’t realize any of it at the time. What can I say? Relationships are complicated.

It was clear we were both terrible at real honest communication, which is not the same thing as screaming and crying and waking the neighbors up at 3 am.

In hindsight, it took years of therapy and introspection to understand that I truly was sometimes an asshole to my ex-girlfriend. And she knew it and hated it and evetually me as a result.

Could our relationship have been saved if we both settled a little bit? We were living together for 5 of our 6 years, but never married. I guess that is something we will never know. Because we never tried, I mean really tried.

We were both unwanted, only children raised by a single mother. We were both deeply damaged by childhood trauma. Probably both too selfish to put our partner first.

It’s been 9 years and I have never yet found another relationship for the very reasons stated in the article. Just too much work at 70. I have learned to be happy alone.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my ex and often wish I could have a “do over”. I think I would make better choices and be less of an asshole. Because I would now recognize that what I had was precious and fragile. It could be easily broken and once broken, never replaced.

I had the best girlfriend; the most compatible partner I could imagine. I believed based on the bizarre and unlikely way we met that God must have had a hand in bringing us together.

She was single for a number of years after our breakup. But eventually she found someone new. I don’t know much about the new man in her life, other then the sketchy outline social media provides.

I have seen only a single picture of her with her new partner. And it was only recently. Nothing for 8 years. No communication. Her choice.

They own two homes in two of the best cities in Europe. He is somewhat younger than me, better educated, and more successful. She has the same happy look with him that she had with me in the beginning. She no longer wears the watch I gave her for her birthday.

Who knows what their actual life together is really like. Or what she learned from having a relationship with an asshole like me.

It’s too bad we didn’t stick it out though. Most people who go through a rough patch and stick it out, later report they are happy that they didn’t take the easy way out and start over with someone new.

Maybe in your 20’s or 30’s, you have plenty of time to get to know the next one. But later in life? Not really.

Forgiveness is a very powerful thing. (All bets are off if either partner is physically or verbally abusive. We luckily never had that problem).

But she lives half a world away. Probably relieved that I am out of her life and would say I am just some asshole she used to know, a very long time ago. If I could only see her once before I die, it would be to apologize.

I don’t regret a thing except my own behavior. Because I had the opportunity to make better choices and passed it up.