I lived with a Blue & Gold Macaw for 20 years. I know that bird understood the words she used like cracker, nut, water, juice, hello, bye-bye, birdie night-night, up, jump, kisses, and many others. She knew the difference between a cracker and a nut, between water and juice.

She could give me the gentlest kiss with her tongue and let me pick her up by her beak. She had the strength in her beak to take off my finger and the knowledge not to do so to me, but OK to use that beak to crack open a walnut.

She would let me rock her in my arms upside down, which is such a vulnerable place for a bird because her wings are restrained and she could not fly to escape any danger. But she knew she was safe.

She could do puzzles like put plastic pieces in their proper place, and unscrew the wing nut off a bolt to find hidden food.

I know she loved me. She had the intelligence of a two-year-old child.

When I was sad and depressed after my girlfriend left me, so too was she. She missed my girlfriend and her dog as much as I did.

When I lost my business and could not work from home, and had to leave her alone in her cage all day to go to work, she started plucking her feathers.

She missed going out in the world, meeting other people, talking, and doing her tricks to show off.

When I moved to South America, I could not take her with me. I found her a new home with the young woman who came in to care for her when I was traveling. I know she is loved and getting the kind of attention she needs. I miss her but do not contact the new owner or visit her when I am in San Francisco.

Since Macaws live 60 years and I got her as a baby, in 1998, she will outlive me, so finding her a good home with a much younger person and a family was inevitable.

All the things you mention have meaning to you. You see the beauty in nature and the goodness of animals. Love exists because you create it and feel it. You give it meaning in your life. The flower is just a flower, living and dying in its own world. It wasn't created to be beautiful to look at. It doesn't have meaning, we give it meaning.

I don't think I have ever been fully loved. I am still optimistic that I will find it and recognize it when it is in front of me, But I have a broken picker too. Being a recovering co-dependent makes it difficult but I am working on it and on me and hope to experience the transcendence of true love before I cease to exist.