Good article.

My ex is not my friend. We have never spoken since the day she sent me an e-mail ending our 6 year relationship. That was ten years ago.

She doesn’t do social media, so I don’t have any insight into her life.

I am of the sad belief we now live in a world of disposable relationships. And this is not a good thing.

You clearly had a deep connection with your ex. You relied on each other for emotional support for years. You were truly best friends.

If you toyed with the idea of getting back together, if you looked forward to the possibility of meeting face to face again, there were still feelings there.

But one of your threw the other away because of an infidelity.

People have sex outside their relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is indicative of something amiss in the relationship that is festering and going unsaid.

Other times it is just something that isn’t related to the other person in the relationship at all . Boredom, fear of commitment, fear of aging and not being attractive anymore, physical disability, even curiosity.

There is a huge difference between a one night stand and a long affair.

One study I have read says that people who threw in the towel after an infidelity were not as happy as those who saw the infidelity as an opening to deepen their relationship and decided to stick it out.

It was very hard work to truly forgive and never use the past behavior to bludgeon your partner when you have a disagreement. You both had to learn to trust one another enough to tell the truth. All the truth, all the time.

But the study said a relationship can survive an infidelity and thrive. People who stuck it out and did the work were glad they stayed together.

There are good reasons to end a relationship: physical or verbal abuse, addictions, a bad relationship in the first place with nothing in common, loss of mutual admiration and respect.

But isn’t an angry reaction to an infidelity just another form of jealousy? And jealousy is based on insecurity more than anything real.

To me, the sex act outside a relationship isn’t the big sin so many people make it. There are lots of shades of grey between monogamy and being single and unattached. Swingers, polyamory, open relationships, triads, cuckholding, the list is long.

It is the lying about it, the secrecy, the lack of attention and involvement at home, the sneaking around that is so destructive. Because somewhere along the way you stopped being honest with each other, often out of fear.

People think “If I told you the real truth about me: my desires, fantasies, fears, insecurities, childhood trauma, dreams, plans, bad things I’d done, hurts I caused, etc. you would judge me. You might be disgusted, or angry or jealous. The possibility exists you would leave me rather than accept the less than perfect version of me. So the safest thing is keep quiet.” That is how relationships begin to die.

I loved my ex. Seriously loved her. I wanted her to be happy and to be happy to be with me.

And I took her for granted. And doubted her love or attraction. And resented her over money. And was occasionally selfish. There was so much left unsaid.

I still miss her and wish we had tried to stay together. Although there were lots I had to learn being alone. I always though we were amazingly compatible.

I am realistic. We will never see or speak to each other again. If she were to contact me after so many years, I would not be interested in communicating. She hurt me too much to ever give her the opportunity to do so again.

But finding new love again is not an easy proposition at my age. And I just don’t think I will find someone with her unique qualities. I forgave her years ago.

My biggest fear was being alone. I was abandoned as a young child. But it has been ten years and I am used to being single. I quite enjoy it actually. Alone is a state of being. Loneliness is a choice.

I look back on my relationship as having some great memories and feel an abiding affection.

I do hold on to those with great pleasure. She neither knows nor cares.