Beautifully written Manpreet.

I love the medical references. It’s just like how I felt after surgery. It hurts. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, eating or trying to walk. I had been cut open from my navel to my back and my cancerous kidney removed. Every step out of bed was painful.

And then I think isn’t it great that the surgery is over. That whatever was amiss in my body has been repaired, at least for now. I am lucky to be alive. It isn’t long before I am walking. The pain lessens and becomes a dull ache.

The thing about breakups is even after a long time together and an even longer time apart, I never really stopped loving her. She will always have a piece of my heart, even as that piece grows smaller. But it never disappears. And I totally and without reservation forgive her. No need to tell her I forgive her. Forgiveness is for me, for my peace of mind. Not for her.

To me, the hardest part is never knowing what has become of her. While some former lovers can eventually be friends, even if only on Facebook, the more common model is a complete disconnection. I was blocked on all social media. Even LinkedIn. No mutual friends that will share any news. Nothing. She has literally become a ghost. It was actually easier to deal with the finality of the death of my second wife than to know my ex is still around somewhere and actually chose to leave me. Via e-mail no less.

So I have occasional relapses. Like after surgery, the scars are always there. And I can’t help but wonder: Did her 80 year old mother pass away? Did her business ever succeed? Did she ever make that trip to Argentina? How well is she coping with aging, she’s going to be 56 this year? Does she still wear the watch I gave her? Is she healthy? Where does she live? Does she ever think about me or us in the same way I think about her? Because if she is like me, she will never try to make contact. No matter how many years ago it was that we were a couple in love, we hurt each other too much to ever re-connect, even as friends.

And then I remind myself that she is just someone I used to know. Nothing more or less. Not every person who comes into my life is destined to remain a part of my life.

So, I send her my love silently from a distance. In my mind, I wish her well. I remember the good times, I try to forget the bad times. I think of all I learned with and from her, but even more, all that I learned after she left.

Maybe in the privacy of my own room, I might even shed a tear on occasion. There are only a few days when I could use a hug and a few words of encouragement and on those days I do wish she was still present.

But I know it is over and finished. So I get on with my day and the rest of my life.